Who Am I Now?

When my daughter turned eighteen, I expected to feel proud and I did!.

What I didn't expect was the strange feeling that came with it.

I was still her mum. That hadn't changed. But the version of motherhood I had built much of my adult life around was beginning to shift.

She was becoming more independent, making more of her own decisions and building a life that didn't revolve around me in quite the same way.

Which is exactly what's supposed to happen, of course, but yet it still left me with a question I was not prepared for.

Who am I now?

At almost the same time, other parts of my life were shifting too.

I was exhausted, mentally foggy, busy in my day job and unsure about the direction of my business.

It felt as though several of the roles I had relied on to tell me who I was had all started changing at once.

When A Role Becomes Part Of Your Identity

Most of us don't consciously decide to build our identity around a role.

It happens gradually.  Life asks something of us, so we step into it.  We become the parent, partner, professional, carer, helper or person everyone can rely on.

We organise our days around that role.

We make decisions through it.

Other people begin to recognise us by it.

Over time, the role becomes so familiar that it can be hard to tell where it ends and we begin.

That is not necessarily a problem.  Roles can give us purpose, structure and belonging but when they start to change, we can feel unexpectedly lost.

Not because the role was wrong but because it had become one of the main ways we understood ourselves.

The Role Does Not Have To End For You To Feel Lost

This is where identity changes can become confusing and some times it is not as obvious a child growing up or a new job. 

As your children grow up, you are in the messy middle of it but you are still their parent and most of the time you are growing with them.

You remain in your career, but it no longer feels meaningful.

You are still in the relationship, but the dynamic has changed.

Nothing has necessarily gone wrong yet something has changed.

It can bring with it a confusing mix of emptions pride, grief, relief, uncertainty, guilt, loss.  

You may feel grateful for the new chapter while still missing the old one.

You may know the change is right while still feeling unsettled by it.

Both can be true.

When More Than One Identity Shifts At Once

Looking back, I know now my own identity wobble wasn't only about my daughter turning eighteen this was just the final trigger to a longer line of shifts that had been happening as I was sitting in a space between who I had been and who I might become next.

It felt like I was failing.  The emotions were so strong and I felt like I'd lost my purpose or somehow fallen mahoosively behind.

But the truth was I'd had a lifetime of build up and unprocessed emotions from our 18 years together, from post natal depression, through divorce, career wobbles and starting a business to name but a few.  All pushed under the carpet until it was bulging and couldn't be ignored any more.

The old me no longer fitted, and the new one hadn't fully formed yet.

I didn't feel like I belonged.

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Why We Rush To Work Out What Comes Next

Most of us are not very comfortable with uncertainty. and when one identity begins to loosen, there is an understandable urge to replace it quickly.

To find a new purpose.

Start a new project.

Choose the next career.

Decide who you are going to be now.

Anything to stop feeling like you are floating in the middle of nowhere.

I tried to push myself out of that place too.   During this period of burnout, I kept thinking that...

I shouldn't feel the way I did.

I should be more motivated.

I should be able to work things out.

I should be getting back to normal.

But the more I judged myself and tried to force clarity, the more stuck I felt.

Things only began to shift when I stopped fighting where I was.  

I found Reiki and this helped me to regulate myself so that could accept where I was and that I didn't have the answer yet.  It gave me enough mental space to start seeing more clearly and to make the best decision of my life to reach our for a Belief Coding® session.

You Are More Than The Role

The role may have shaped you, but it was never the whole of you.

Being a parent may have allowed me to express love, care, leadership, humour, patience and protection.

My career allowed me to solve problems, communicate, organise, create and  support others.

Being the dependable person helped me feel useful, connected or valued.

Those qualities didn't disappear because the role changed.  They may simply need somewhere new to go.

That is why the better question is sometimes not:

What should my new role be?

It's:

What's always been true about me, no matter which role I was playing?

A Few Questions Worth Asking

If you are in the middle of an identity shift, you may not be ready to answer the question:

Who am I now?

That question can feel too big.

So try something smaller.

• What did this role give me?
• What did it ask me to put aside?
• What parts of myself have had very little room lately?
• What am I afraid losing this role might say about me?
• What qualities do I want to carry into the next chapter?
• What feels interesting now, even if it does not yet look useful?

You are not trying to manufacture a new identity.   You are gathering clues.  You are noticing what remains when the familiar labels start to loosen.

You May Not Be Losing Yourself

Eventually, my own messy middle led somewhere.  A particularly deep Belief Coding® session helped me to figure out where I belonged and the next day all of the burnout symptoms disappeared.  It was truly miraculous.

I stepped away from Wellness4Women and created Reflect, Grow & Heal.

The new direction brought together coaching, belief work, Reiki and my fascination with why people behave the way they do.

I didn't throw away everything that came before.  I carried the useful parts with me.

The experience.

The lessons.

The curiosity.

The understanding of people.

The new identity did not arrive from nowhere.

It emerged when I stopped trying to squeeze myself back into one that had become too small.

That may be what is happening for you too.  You may not be losing yourself. You may be losing a version of yourself that no longer tells the full story.

Ready To Explore What Comes Next?

If the role you have built your life around is changing, you do not have to rush into another one just to feel secure.

Sometimes the real work is understanding what the old role gave you, what it cost you and which parts of it still belong in your next chapter.

We can explore the beliefs, emotional patterns and identity shifts underneath that uncertainty so you can move forward with more clarity and confidence.

You are not starting again from nothing.

You are starting with everything you have learned about yourself so far.

Book a Discovery Session with Faye